My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
