you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
