I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
