I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
