I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Vodka?
Forever.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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