I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
