Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
