She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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