I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
a search helicopter?!
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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