the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
