Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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