I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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