just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
