i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
