Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
