I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
