moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
