i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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