I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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