Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
