The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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