he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
