I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
