when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
