Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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