my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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