Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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