She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
