I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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