8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
