he wants to bone in the snuggie
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
