do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
