I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
