new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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