Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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