dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
