dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
