On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
everyone is single if you try hard enough
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
