Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
