you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
