dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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