Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
