I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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