Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
