I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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