I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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