My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
