no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
