woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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