this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
