I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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