ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
