Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
